Fugly Friday

Hear ye, hear ye! All hale Princess Cellulite from the kingdom of Cottage Cheese!
Oh, sweet mother of liposuction. Somebody get this lard ass some cellulite cream to rub on that nasty shit. If your ass has more dimples than a golf ball do not, I repeat DO NOT let someone photograph that shit! N-A-S-T-Y!!!!

Damn...It's Tornado Season Already!

When you live in an area that Meteorologists lovingly refer to as "Tornado Alley", you know what the fuck a "fraidy hole" is for! Yep, that's what I said a "fraidy hole".

And when the weatherman tells you a damn tornado warning has been issued and/or the tornado sirens are wailing like a fuckin' banshee.
You know it's time to shag ass for the "fraidy hole"!
But some people just aren't intelligent enough to understand this concept.

Take these morons for instance. Just because it's been a false alarm before doesn't mean that you're not going to see nothing but asshole and elbow from me when I think a tornado might be coming my way. See you learn in Oklahoma not to fuck around with good ol' Mother Nature!
Because she can and will open up a big can of whoop ass on you every time.

Also being that I'm a big time lake dweller during the spring and summer months we also have these, yep that's what ya call a waterspout, a tornado on the water.

If you're out on your boat and see one of these you can do one of two things:
1. Hammer the throttle on your boat and get the hell gone.
2. Place your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

I personally prefer choice number 1! Ok, that's enough of your Oklahoma weather lesson for the day.

Workin' & Cleanin'

Ok, just to let ya'll know I'm alive I'll post a little something! I've been busy all week doing work and spring cleaning so I haven't had time to post anything. Sorry about that, I'll try and do better this week.

I've also been hanging out at the lake all weekend long. And I'm getting really, really brown! *Hugs and soothes Dawn* I want to post some pictures, but first I have to locate the connector for my cell phone that hooks into the computer.

And for something really hilarious I'm babysitting one of my best friends' 5 month old little boy. Yes, I know I'm nuts. I finally got him to go to sleep.
Damn, I forgot how much freakin' work it is taking care of a baby. I'm exhausted!!! So on that note I'm outta here for tonight!

Dumbass Drunken Neighbor

I know I've touched on the fact that I live in a neighborhood with quite a few fucktards, but the incident on Saturday night just takes the cake! (Yes, fuckkit I said CAKE! )
We had a friend over Saturday night, he was having a tiff with his wife and came over so they could get away from each other for awhile. So anyway he stays until about 11 PM and goes home. Well about 12:45 I'm back talking to my oldest daughter, tucking her in and all that momma stuff. When I hear a knock at the door. So my daughter and I look at each other like WTF? Who the hell would be knocking at the door this late at night. Then my husband comes from our bedroom and looks down the hall at us with the WTF look on his face too!

At this point I'm thinking it might be our friend and that maybe he and his wife had gotten into a real good row and he needed a place to crash. But no, it was the dumbass drunk bitch from across the street and here's how the conversation went:

my hubby: Uh Yeah.
drunk bitch: Hi! Were you's sleephsss?
my hub: Umm....Yeah everyone here is in bed.
drunk bitch: Ok! *stumbles off front porch*

As she falls down in our drive way and finally gets up and wobbles along back across the street, my hubby, daughter and I are left to wonder what the hell did she want! We don't even really know her, nor do we want to. We have very few friends around here and she is a prime example of why.

So now we are left with the mystery of why the dumbass drunk bitch came to our door at nearly 1 AM . Did she come by to chit chat in her drunken stupor? Or was it something more sinister?
We may never know!

Fugly Friday

My eyes dammit, my eyes! She don't need no fuckin' whips or chains to scare the bejezzus out of a man. This lady is a prime example of why obese individuals should never shop at Hot Topic!

I'm Going Nuckin' Futs!

Ever have one of those days, where you know you should've just stayed in bed? Because you just woke up and you already feel like you wanna strangle someone. Why is it on these days you have a million fuckin' things to do and you know if you leave the house you're going to end up beating the shit out of somebody?

Well today was my day! I wake up to a cold day with snow on the ground and it was still snowing. Now this is not quite so unusual some of our heaviest snows here in Oklahoma have come in March. But today is not the day for me to wanna deal with snow dammit!

My library books are two days late, my video rentals are two days late and I need to get some groceries before we are reduced to eating tuna straight out the damn can. The library trip goes fine, but the grocery store ugggg. I usually don't go to the ONLY grocery store here in town, because there prices are higher than a freshman at a frat party! But here I go 'cause I don't feel like driving 20 damn miles to my usual grocery store.

Oh that was a big fuckin' mistake. See cause everytime I go to that grocery store I run into the lady that used to drive the church van in our neighborhood. See she would drive through the neighborhood every Saturday afternoon and bug the shit outta all the kids about going to chuch the next day. They would always run and hide whenever they would see her coming. So I gave her the nickname of the 'Church Nazi'. She has finally stopped driving the church van , I guess the church finally noticed that none of the children on her route were coming to church anymore.
And so they finally gave her the boot.

But anyway I always run into her at the store and she always wants to stand and yack for an eon or two. So today my girls' and I spotted her before she saw us and we launched into the tune from Mission Impossible. My youngest daughter decided to run from aisle to aisle and come report to us. You should have seen this, all three of us were laughing our asses off. If my daughter said she was coming our way the oldest and I would take off at a run to the other aisle all covert and shit! Needless to say we had ourselves a good time running from the 'Church Nazi'!

I know ya'll think I'm definitely nuckin' futs now, if you didn't already!

Gotta Love The Doughboy

This parody of the doughboy just cracks my ass up! Sorry for no post today, gotta get my shit ready to work from home. Yes, my lazy ass now has a job. I'll tell ya'll about it tomorrow. Yippeee, I am now employed.