I Don't Make This Shit Up!

Fugly Friday

2006-04-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hear ye, hear ye! All hale Princess Cellulite from the kingdom of Cottage Cheese!
Oh, sweet mother of liposuction. Somebody get this lard ass some cellulite cream to rub on that nasty shit. If your ass has more dimples than a golf ball do not, I repeat DO NOT let someone photograph that shit! N-A-S-T-Y!!!!

Damn...It's Tornado Season Already!

2006-04-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

When you live in an area that Meteorologists lovingly refer to as "Tornado Alley", you know what the fuck a "fraidy hole" is for! Yep, that's what I said a "fraidy hole".

And when the weatherman tells you a damn tornado warning has been issued and/or the tornado sirens are wailing like a fuckin' banshee.
You know it's time to shag ass for the "fraidy hole"!
But some people just aren't intelligent enough to understand this concept.

Take these morons for instance. Just because it's been a false alarm before doesn't mean that you're not going to see nothing but asshole and elbow from me when I think a tornado might be coming my way. See you learn in Oklahoma not to fuck around with good ol' Mother Nature!
Because she can and will open up a big can of whoop ass on you every time.

Also being that I'm a big time lake dweller during the spring and summer months we also have these, yep that's what ya call a waterspout, a tornado on the water.

If you're out on your boat and see one of these you can do one of two things:
1. Hammer the throttle on your boat and get the hell gone.
2. Place your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

I personally prefer choice number 1! Ok, that's enough of your Oklahoma weather lesson for the day.

Workin' & Cleanin'

2006-04-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, just to let ya'll know I'm alive I'll post a little something! I've been busy all week doing work and spring cleaning so I haven't had time to post anything. Sorry about that, I'll try and do better this week.

I've also been hanging out at the lake all weekend long. And I'm getting really, really brown! *Hugs and soothes Dawn* I want to post some pictures, but first I have to locate the connector for my cell phone that hooks into the computer.

And for something really hilarious I'm babysitting one of my best friends' 5 month old little boy. Yes, I know I'm nuts. I finally got him to go to sleep.
Damn, I forgot how much freakin' work it is taking care of a baby. I'm exhausted!!! So on that note I'm outta here for tonight!

Dumbass Drunken Neighbor

2006-03-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

I know I've touched on the fact that I live in a neighborhood with quite a few fucktards, but the incident on Saturday night just takes the cake! (Yes, fuckkit I said CAKE! )
We had a friend over Saturday night, he was having a tiff with his wife and came over so they could get away from each other for awhile. So anyway he stays until about 11 PM and goes home. Well about 12:45 I'm back talking to my oldest daughter, tucking her in and all that momma stuff. When I hear a knock at the door. So my daughter and I look at each other like WTF? Who the hell would be knocking at the door this late at night. Then my husband comes from our bedroom and looks down the hall at us with the WTF look on his face too!

At this point I'm thinking it might be our friend and that maybe he and his wife had gotten into a real good row and he needed a place to crash. But no, it was the dumbass drunk bitch from across the street and here's how the conversation went:

my hubby: Uh Yeah.
drunk bitch: Hi! Were you's sleephsss?
my hub: Umm....Yeah everyone here is in bed.
drunk bitch: Ok! *stumbles off front porch*

As she falls down in our drive way and finally gets up and wobbles along back across the street, my hubby, daughter and I are left to wonder what the hell did she want! We don't even really know her, nor do we want to. We have very few friends around here and she is a prime example of why.

So now we are left with the mystery of why the dumbass drunk bitch came to our door at nearly 1 AM . Did she come by to chit chat in her drunken stupor? Or was it something more sinister?
We may never know!

Fugly Friday

2006-03-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

My eyes dammit, my eyes! She don't need no fuckin' whips or chains to scare the bejezzus out of a man. This lady is a prime example of why obese individuals should never shop at Hot Topic!

I'm Going Nuckin' Futs!

2006-03-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days, where you know you should've just stayed in bed? Because you just woke up and you already feel like you wanna strangle someone. Why is it on these days you have a million fuckin' things to do and you know if you leave the house you're going to end up beating the shit out of somebody?

Well today was my day! I wake up to a cold day with snow on the ground and it was still snowing. Now this is not quite so unusual some of our heaviest snows here in Oklahoma have come in March. But today is not the day for me to wanna deal with snow dammit!

My library books are two days late, my video rentals are two days late and I need to get some groceries before we are reduced to eating tuna straight out the damn can. The library trip goes fine, but the grocery store ugggg. I usually don't go to the ONLY grocery store here in town, because there prices are higher than a freshman at a frat party! But here I go 'cause I don't feel like driving 20 damn miles to my usual grocery store.

Oh that was a big fuckin' mistake. See cause everytime I go to that grocery store I run into the lady that used to drive the church van in our neighborhood. See she would drive through the neighborhood every Saturday afternoon and bug the shit outta all the kids about going to chuch the next day. They would always run and hide whenever they would see her coming. So I gave her the nickname of the 'Church Nazi'. She has finally stopped driving the church van , I guess the church finally noticed that none of the children on her route were coming to church anymore.
And so they finally gave her the boot.

But anyway I always run into her at the store and she always wants to stand and yack for an eon or two. So today my girls' and I spotted her before she saw us and we launched into the tune from Mission Impossible. My youngest daughter decided to run from aisle to aisle and come report to us. You should have seen this, all three of us were laughing our asses off. If my daughter said she was coming our way the oldest and I would take off at a run to the other aisle all covert and shit! Needless to say we had ourselves a good time running from the 'Church Nazi'!

I know ya'll think I'm definitely nuckin' futs now, if you didn't already!

Gotta Love The Doughboy

2006-03-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

This parody of the doughboy just cracks my ass up! Sorry for no post today, gotta get my shit ready to work from home. Yes, my lazy ass now has a job. I'll tell ya'll about it tomorrow. Yippeee, I am now employed.

My Dad

2006-03-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

Alright back in the day before blood banks did thorough testing of donations my dad had a blood transfusion. He had to have it because he was in a horrible motorcycle accident. He recovered and everything was fine until about 1994, we all went to the lake that day and all was ok until he and my mom were on the way home. He started feeling sick, kind of like heat exhaustion but he didn't start feeling better after he got in the air conditioning and drank a lot of water. So my mom took him to the emergency room, and the diagnosis was staggering. They told him had Hepatitis C, and that he must have contracted it from the blood he was given when he had the motorcycle accident ten years earlier.

No signs or symptoms showed up for this whole ten years. They started him on Interferon treatments soon after he was diagnosed. In case you don't know Interferon is a type of chemotherapy treatment also given to cancer patients. Back then he had to give himself 3 shots of this stuff a week. And yes it makes you sick!

Well after 10 years in remission, it has come back with a vengeance these past 2 years. Now last week he was getting really bad and so he went to the hospital and they did a CAT scan and it wasn't good news. His liver is shutting down. In short he is in liver failure. They want him to try the treatments again. Now they are only once a week shots. But they are also gonna cost $1,400 a shot and he has to take them once a week for a year. Just so you don't have to calculate that, it comes to about $78,000.

He hasn't been able to work for awhile so no insurance and social security have been real dicks, and keep turning him down. Luckily he is Indian and has a card so he can go to the hospital and get some of his meds. But not the Interferon. They are trying to get the Liver Foundation and some other agencies to help, I'm praying that some of them will agree to pay for the treatments.
God, I don't want to loose my dad! He is only 46 years old. I love him so much.

Sorry for all the sad stuff. I just had to put it into words, and get it out. Thank you all for being here and listening.

Not In The Mood For Funny

2006-03-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

My dad came by today and gave me some bad news about his health, so needless to say I don't feel like being funny tonight. I just don't have the energy to explain it to y'all tonight, so I'll post about it tomorrow when I'm not so upset. Sorry for no funnies!!

The Hateful Boutique Lady

2006-03-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

Alright I guess I gotta tell y'all about my dress shopping experience! Unfortunatly I didn't get any pictures, but I will be posting pictures of the dress that my daughter picked out. She went for the majorly classy look. Can't wait for y'all to see the dress! The straps had to be taken up 'cause they were too loose on her! So as soon as we pick the dress up I'll take pictures.

Can you believe that we got almost everything she needed in one day? Damn she's a great kid. The first dress she tried on is the one we bought. One shop, three or four dresses tried on and she's ready to go. No hem hawing around for my lil' girl! :D

Pretty smooth sailin' except for the lady that owns the boutique that we went to. Shit! What a hateful ol' fuckin' hag. I almost walked the hell right outta there. It was just her whole attitude and tone of voice. I wish I'd have had an I.V. drip of Valium for that experience. She treated everybody in there like they were children. "No don't put it on the hanger like that, you'll mess up the bead work." "No don't try that on you're too big, you'll rip out the zipper!" I just wanted to say "Fuck you bitch, back off before I smother your fuckin' ass with this plastic shoulder cover on the dress!" Arrgggg, I can't stand rude people like that! I was there to buy her shit, I'm talking about spending major bucks in her store. Why the hell would you try and run off your customers like that? Stupid dumbass bitch!

OK, I'm alright now! I'm breathing, counting to ten! So there ya go my Friday dress shopping trip. Now all that's left is hair appointment and gloves! Yippee almost done already.

In Case You Give A Damn!

2006-03-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm finally gonna reveal some of myself here. For you all my bloggin' buddies. So without futher ado:

100 Things About Me!
For today the condensed version! :D

1. I am addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper.
2. I am an only child.
3. #2 is why I had 2 kids.
4. I have silver eyes. (Yes really, silver!)
5. I am very short, only 5'1.
6. I have very long hair.
7. I love to sing, and I'm kind of good at it. *blush*
8. I am a tomboy, I love to work on cars and shit!
9. I use exclamation points way too much!!!!!
10. I drink Bud Light beer. (Usually too much)
11. I drink Margaritas. (Again usually too much)
12. I love Mexican food. (Wash it down with a big Ol' Margarita)
13. Growing up I had a cat named Ozzy. (Yes after Ozzy Osbourne)
14. I have two boats and I love the lake.
15. I am a quarter Cherokee Indian.
16. I devour books, I usually read about 3 a week plus my blog time.
17. I wasn't a nerd in school, but I definitely am now.
18. I am not very domestic, I hate to clean I'd rather be working on cars. (But my house is never filthy)
19. I love music, I couldn't live with out it.
20. I am kind of ecclectic in my music tastes. I listen to damn near everything but Opera.
21. I love to dance!!! (Unfortunately my hubby is not very good at it, but I am!) :D
22. My girls' and their friends think I'm cool!
23. I have a German Shepherd dog named Mikki.
24. I hate liars.
25. I also hate theives.
26. I am a scorpio. (Look out I'll sting ya!)
27. Most of the time I am a nice person, just don't piss me off too often. hehe
28. I love my husband very much, we have been together for 14 yrs.
29. We have 2 daughters, 13 and 10 yrs old. (Yes we were busy that first year and for the next 3 after that. Hell, we still are! TMI! *wink wink*)
30. Damn it's hard to come up with a hundred! Shit!
31. I was born and raised here in Oklahoma and I'll probably die here too!
32. The furthest from home I've ever been is Miami, Florida. Not to be confused with Miami, OK (Which is pronounced Mi-am-uh)
33. I am a big time OU Sooner fan! (You don't like it? Well tough shit!)
34. Like Oh.My.Gawd! I was a cheerleader 6th through 12th grade!
35. I still like 80's music! (Shut up Dawn!)
36. I will be 33 in November, but I still feel 20! (I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!)
37. Ok, that's enough for now I'm getting fuckin' Carpal Tunnel! I'm going out tonight with my hubby, so no time for more! I will however, give you more from time to time so stay tuned!

Who Comes Up With This Ugly Shit?

2006-03-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

My daughter's eight grade prom is coming up in May. Well we've been looking around the internet for prom dresses, and you would not believe the fugly ass dresses we've seen. Damn I'm talking BUTT FUCKING UGLY!

Take the Morticia Adams looking monstrosity to the left here.

Ugly as homemade sin green- check
Saggy titty showing top- check
Bloated belly hugging midriff- check
Little Mermaid inspired hemline- check

So there is my commentary on a dress that looks like a drunk sailor came up with after too many months at sea, dreaming of fuckin' mermaids and sea sirens and such!

We are going shopping Friday to find a dress for her. Hell I may even take pictures with my cell phone and post 'em here for Fugly Friday if I find some more hideous than the retarded ass dress I have pictured here. Wish me luck!

Beat Their Ass At Home, So Teachers Won't Have To!

2006-03-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

I know that some people don't think that we should use corporal punishment to disipline our children. But I for one happen to disagree with them.

Ok, let's look at this story. The guy is being fired because he had an out of control little bitch get up in his face and he pushed her away.
Now I don't know about you but if one of those little shits got up in my face or tried to hit me I'd be busting their ass eight ways from Sunday!

But Tulsa doesn't allow corporal punishment, so what do you do? Just stand there and let the little outta control bastards beat the shit out of you? I live about 25 miles outside of Tulsa and my kids school still paddles their little asses. They send home a letter at the beginning of the year letting you decide whether or not you will allow the school to paddle your kids. If not then your kid will be suspended, well woopdee fuckin' doo they get a damn vacation instead of punishment.

To most kids just the threat of an ass bustin' will keep them in line. As a matter of fact there are a few kids that behave just fine without ever having to have their asses busted! But they are the minority. Now I'm not talking about abuse here, just a good ol' fashion swat on the ass to send them in the right direction. I love my kids very much, but they still need a swat on the rear every now and then!

Tell me what ya'll think about it, and if I've pissed anyone off well then you can tell me about that too! Come on, go ahead I can take it I promise. :D

Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired

2006-03-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! I'm sorry I've been away so long. I was fighting a wicked sinus infection and a pinched nerve in my shoulder. So the doctor had me pumped up on meds and I was in bed for about 10 days. But I'm back on my feet and back on the blog! Still on muscle relaxers and pain meds for the pinched nerve, and the doctor told me not to be on the computer too long during the day. But I will be posting nearly everyday, although they may be short and sometimes might be a little out there! Well at least you won't have to wonder "Damn, what kind of drugs is she on"? :D

Shit! My Junk Is On The Net!

2006-02-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

To the left here we have a picture of the exact cell phone that I have a Motorola Razor in silver. Right now I know you're thinking "Fnqueen why the fuck do I care what kind of cell phone you have?" You are aren't you? Okay well this post doesn't have anything to do with my particular cell phone, I know I know "Fuck you Fnqueen!"

But this post is about cell phone cameras and some of the freaks that use them! Alright so I'm cruising around on the net and I come across this cell phone camera community called Mobog. Ever been there? If you haven't I suggest you go check the site out. But and this is a big but, the site is NSFW or children having given you that warning here is the link. Now don't get me wrong there are lots of normal people who take perfectly normal pictures with their cell phones okay!

But some of the weirdos on this site just amaze me. Now I'm definately not a prude, but damn I wouldn't want to put pictures of my junk on the internet for anyone to see! I don't think some of these girls having sex with their boyfriends, fuckbuddies, husbands or whatever you want to call 'em have any clue that their coochies and tits are being viewed by a shitload of people on the internet! Even though I have a few laughs viewing some of the photos (yes I am a perv), I'd kill a motherfucker if he ever posted my coochie pictures on the net. Now if the chick/dude know they are going to have their coochie/dick put on that website, well I say more power to 'em!

What do ya think? Would you ever put or let someone put pictures of your junk on the internet? I'm just curious how many people are or aren't comfortable with this!

Ding Dong The Bitch Is Gone.

2006-02-22T17:02:00.000-08:00

Yippeee! I am just bursting with happiness right now. I learned that a male friend of my hubby and I, finally gave his thieving ass, cracked out wife the boot! 'Bout damn time too. After putting up with the bitch for 19 years.

Do I feel bad? For him yes, for her fuck no! She didn't deserve him. I have a lot of respect for him though, he waited all this time till his oldest son turned 18.

She was always fucked up on any kind of pills she could get her hands on. See I tried to befriend the stupid bitch, for the simple fact that if we wanted to see him, we kinda had to put up with her.

When we first met him she was in prison. For stealing drugs from the nursing home that she worked at! What a dumbass. Yeah, I was a dumbass too. 'Cause the bitch ended up breaking into my damn house and stealing a bunch of shit! Damn I wanted to kick her ass so bad. But because of him, I just couldn't bring myself to beat the shit outta her!

Anyway my point for this post was that now he's wanting to get on a internet dating thing. What do you all think about internet dating sites? Have you ever known anyone that ended up with somebody that wasn't a complete fuckin' loser or pyscho?

I've added some new blog friends! Look over there -----> yeah, in my side bar under Good Shit. If you haven't already, would you do me a big ol' favor and go visit them! Also visit the friends that have been here since I first posted (you know who you are) *mwah* I love ya'll.

Speaking Of Bush!

2006-02-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

Oh. Dear. Lord. Please tell me this isn't for real! This has got to be some of the grossest shit I've seen in quite some time! N-A-S-T-Y. Why in the hell would you want to look like a fuckin' sasquatch?

I don't think waxing is gonna do it for Ms. Sasquatch here. I think she's going to have to break out the ol' brush hog for this job. Jeez, would any man seriously even consider this sexy? This just makes me wanna gag.

I mean I torture myself about every two weeks waxing, plucking and all the other shit most women do to make themselves all nice and baby butt smooth. And here this weirdo is posing for a picture with fucking afro puffs sticking outta her panties! Oh, and not to mention the twin chimps she has living in her armpits. Yuck!

So I ask ya'll would you ever let your bush go like this? Or how about your pits? I'm sorry I just don't think I could handle looking like a fuckin' sasquatch! Nuff said.

Gloom, Despair And Agony On Me!

2006-02-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's colder than a witches tit here! We've had sleet that left a layer of ice on the roads, then on top of that came snow and finally it is now sleeting and snowing again to leave us with another layer of ice.

I blame that fuckin' groundhog for this bullshit weather! Stupid sumbitch just had to see his damn shadow. No, I really don't believe in the retarded ass groundhog crap. But if you're gonna blame someone for this shitty weather it might as well be the groundhog!

Dammit I'm sick of this fucking cold, I need sun and fun to survive. I'm starting to get real depressed. Like I do every damn winter. Somebody call me a fuckin' waaaambulance, please 'cause I really do need one. Sitting here feeling all sorry for my self and shit. Oh, and to top it all off my allergies are giving me hell! Alright enough of my bitchin', moanin' and whining for today. But I needed ya'll to share in my misery, 'cause you know misery just loves company!

Do I Need Cuss Control?

2006-02-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

Do you cuss too much? Maybe you ought to enroll in The Cuss Control Academy. No really, click on the link!

The president of the academy has some words of ~~wisdom~~ dumbassness (Is that even a word?) for ya! "Cursing feels good, but it sounds bad, and makes you look bad." Hell yes it feels good, every time I say fuck for instance it gives me an immediate orgasm. That's why I say it so often! It sounds bad? In your opinion asshole! Makes you look bad? Are you saying that everytime I say a cuss word I turn into some fucking hideous hag , growing big nasty warts with hairs sticking outta them or something?

He says you should develop a "can do attitude." What kinda candy ass bullshit is this guy preaching? I've already developed a can do attitude, I can do and say any fuckin' thing I damn well please! Is that can do enough for ya moron?

Here's another bit of the president's bullshit! "Select a few powerful or even funny words, and get in the habit of substituting them for swear words. For example, instead of B.S., choices range from lie, fabrication, nonsense and exaggeration to bunk, baloney, drivel, malarkey, hokum, hogwash and balderdash." Yeah, I'm gonna sound like fucking June Cleaver using words like that! No thanks Mr. I believe I'll just stay a potty mouth.

Run right over and enroll in The Cuss Control Academy! 'Cause cussings bad mmmm...kay!

I Did It All For The Nookie

2006-02-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I don't get into Valentine's Day much. Too much fluff and bullshit for my taste! I hate the way these holidays have been taken over by companies. Making people think that buying their loved one a card and a box of candy can make up for a multitude of sins.

Screw the card and candy crap! Bring me home some beer and a sack of tacos. My hubby loves the fact that I don't expect all that girly shit.

It makes me sick that some women browbeat their men into wining and dining them on V Day hoping that he might get some nookie. Even more disgusting is how come they only want to give it up if he's willing to spend some cash? (Sounds kinda like prostitution to me) Why should you have to wait for one day out of the year to drag that sexy lingerie outta the dresser drawer and get your freak on?

WTF?

2006-02-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Not much to say today. But I've had some interesting search terms come up in my stats.

5	shitty diapers	3.85%
6	chili ass fucking	3.85%

WTF? Who in the hell would be searching for shitty diapers? Is this what my blog will be known for? Shitty diapers and chili ass fucking, what in the hell is chili ass fucking anyway? Sounds pretty damn nasty to me. Do they get off on a burning asshole or what? So many questions, and I guess I'm just not sadistic enough to come up with any answers!! :D

Poor Ol' Sam!

2006-02-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

You've got to go check out this cool lil' animation!

I know not everyone is in favor of legalizing medical marijuana use, and I have to admit at first I was a lil' bit afraid of posting this for fear of the DEA, Department of Homeland Security or any number of governmental agencies beating down my door!

See I believe people that are in chronic pain or any number of reasons have a right to marijuana use. Arresting someone that is either dying or in severe pain for using marijuana is just plain fucking ridiculous. Out of all the pain killing, addictive drugs that they could be pumping into their bodies they choose the least addictive drug out there. The government needs to get their damn facts straight on this. They spout all of this drivel and make dumbass commercials about marijuana being a mind altering drug and that people who smoke pot are likely to go out and kill harmless children riding bicycles in a drivethru lane at the local McDonalds! First off who the fuck is gonna let their kid ride a damn bike in a fuckin' drivethru lane anyway?

I know there will be some who take offense to this post, so now I say let the shit flinging begin!
Yeee Hawww!

Fugly Friday

2006-02-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, batman! Please tell me this picture has been photoshopped. 'Cause I think I might feel real bad if the girl really looks like that. On the other hand the guy is so damn fugly it makes it more believable. I mean c'mon if the guy were a major hottie would he be with the lil' pixie looking freak?

That's just plain fuckin' scary! Ok let's just leave Miss Pixie out for a sec and talk about Mr. Butterface's finer points.

Unibrow-check
Could eat corn through a picket fence-check
Walking advertisement for Accutane-check

It's pretty bad when you know that someone put this pic on the 'net to make fun of Miss Pixie. But being that it is pretty damn unlikely that Miss Pixie's diminutive head is for real, I decided I'd go ahead and make fun of Mr.Butterface's 'real' downhome ugly as homemade sin ass!

There's Only One Cure For Cabin Fever!

2006-02-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

I guess I've just got cabin fever. I can't come up with shit to post about here lately.

I yearn for the long hot days of summer! Riding across the lake in my big ol' Webbcraft boat, stopping at the beach, sitting in my chair with a red beer in my hand and my toes in that warm sand. Getting drunker than 'Cooter Brown' with all my lake buddies, ahhhhhh.....I miss it so much.
The pic on the left is an actual shot of my lake (no, I don't actually own the lake but it's mine dammit) Lake Keystone, OK. This summer I hope to have some real good pictures to show ya! Well I'll be damned, I just came up with something to post. I guess ya'll just inspire me!

Photo by Fred Marvel, courtesy of Oklahoma Tourism and Recreation Department.

For The Love Of A Horse.

2006-02-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've managed to stay away from making fun of the movie "Brokeback Mountain". But when I found this video on IFilm I just couldn't help myself. So check this out!

Everytime I think about his wife confronting him with the gigantic horse dildo, I just bust up fucking laughing! Or the shadows of him and the horse....freakin' hilarous!
Ahhhh....I love a good parody.

Beer Swillin' Weekend

2006-02-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Mmmm...beer! That wonderful amber beverage that makes women and men more than mortal.
Ambrosia, nectar of the gods! Yes, I do love beer. I guess that's why I've been sucking down cold ones all weekend.

Fqueen is definately on a beer bender. My schedule:
Friday-got drunk
Saturday-got drunker than 'Cooter Brown'
Sunday-getting there pretty damn quick
Good damn thing I'm not an alcoholic! I'm just a weekend warrior!

Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Retard!

2006-02-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not posted in several days. I've been a very busy bitch!
But today I'm gonna tell ya'll about the time a retarded guy tried to pull down my pants at the Dollar Store. This is for you Dawn!

This past summer I went into the Dollar Store here in my town. Usually I have a pleasant experience browsing around looking at all the worthless lil' bullshit. But this day it was not to be.
I walk into the store and hear a retard yelling, so I'm thinking dammit there goes my pleasant Dollar Store shopping experience! But I go ahead and grab me a cart and start browsing.

I get to the candle isle which is my most favoritest isle in the whole wide world. You see I'm in love with smells (I know I'm a weirdo). I have to go through and smell every damn candle that they have, even if I've smelled them a million times already. Ok, enough about my candle fetish!

So I'm standing there and all of the sudden this retard comes screaming down the isle and I'm like WTF? He reaches down and tries to take the sandal off my foot, I gave him the I'm fixin' to fuck you up look and he runs off yelling at the top of his fuckin' lungs. So I'm standing here thinking were are his damn caretakers/parents or whoever is supposed to be watching this retard? Mind you he is an adult retard, but he still should be supervised if he's going to act like that!

I go back to my candle smelling and here his ass comes again. But this time he comes up behind me and starts trying to pull my fucking shorts down. At this point I'm about to knock the motherfucker out. I turn around and shoved him as hard as I could, and he falls back into the shelves behind him. He once again starts yelling like a fucking banshee! Then finally his mother shows up and starts yelling and cussing at me asking me what the hell is wrong with me. I look at her and ask "What the hell is wrong with you? You dumb fuckin cunt, letting your retarded kid run loose in the fucking Dollar Store trying to molest people"! She looks at me like I've grown another head or something. She says "My son doesn't do stuff like that"! I just wanted to bitch slap her ass straight down to the end of that isle.

By that time a manager walks up and asks what's going on. I explained to the manager about the retard trying to molest my ass right there in the candle isle. Well I know the manager quite well, being as I'm in that store damn near every other day and I spend quite a bit of money there too!
The manager tells the lady next time she comes into the store that the kid has to be supervised at all times and that she's damn lucky I didn't want to call the police and file an assault charge on her kid! Because retarded or not he is still an adult. The lady gives the manager and me a go to hell look and storms out of the store.

At the time I was one pissed off bitch, but now I look back and laugh my ass off about it! Although I still regret not bitch slapping his mom into the next week. Oh well, hopefully I never have to deal with that situation again.

So Ya Wanna Get Smacked?

2006-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

I just love those hateful bitches over at I Talk Too Much!

I can't believe some of the people that submit their blogs for review there. If their blog has the same look, sound or even smell of a blog that got a hella negative smacks then why in the hell would you set yourself up for that kinda flogging? I'm not a glutton for punishment so, it'll be awhile before I submit my piece o'shit blog for their smack happy viewing. I'm sure I'd get negative smacks right off the bat as soon as they saw that damn Weather Pixie in my sidebar.

Heaven forbid you commit the ultimate sin of having Amazon ads or those lil' blinkies on your blog.
So I gotta give a 'hell yeah' to those smack happy bitches and add 'em to my blogroll!

Boring.......

2006-01-31T19:56:00.000-08:00

Sorry I'm a boring ass bitch today! Hopefully I'll have something interesting for all you lil' shits tomorrow!

Can You Say Bitch?

2006-01-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

The Fnqueen has PMS!!! Arggg....I feel bitchy, cranky and generally just plain fuckin' mean.

I've bitten off every head in my house today and have felt like slapping the shit outta anyone who gets near me. I really think I have that PMDD shit. I call it Premenstrual Devil Disorder. 'Cause once a month I feel like I've be taken over by Tamponia Demon of Menstruation!

This includes symptoms such as: Crying fits for no reason, sudden Tourettes Syndrome like outbursts, chocolate binges, and throwing large objects across the room in hopes that they will knock someone's freakin' head off!

My husband and kids have learned to deal with this by laughing at me! They think it's hilarious. They even invite friends over and charge a quarter to see the 'Devil Lady', like I'm like some kind of circus freak or something! Just kidding, but I'm sure they've thought about it. Hell, I can't blame 'em! I'm surprised they haven't tried to make their own reality show about it called "Survior, PMS Edition".

Just in case you don't know the warning signals here's the Top Ten Signs You Might Have PMS:

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4) Your significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-Eat-Shit."
6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7) You're convinced there's a God and He's male.
8) You're counting down the days until menopause.
9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr.

Fugly Friday

2006-01-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's a nice day for a Klingon wedding! Ahem...WTF? Now I've seen some fugly ass weddings but this one takes the cake. Holy shit batman!

They even have a webpage.

What else can I say, frankly I'm just fuckin' speechless.
Hey! Don't get used to it I'm not at a loss for words very often.

My State Is Famous For A Penis Pumping Judge!

2006-01-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you all have heard about Oklahoma's penis pumping judge. If you haven't click here. Why, he's a damn celebrity! Next thing you know he'll have his own porno tape circulating the internet. It'll be him spouting the wonders of the penis pump to men all over the world instead of this guy. (Caution:NSFW or children!) I had to watch the instructional video cause that's just the kind of perv I am! The whole time I was LMFAO.

I guess the poor ole' guy just wasn't getting any nookie at home. I do think it's kinda sick that he chose to "wanky wanky" on the bench instead of in the privacy of his own bedroom, kitchen, bathroom anyway you get my point. I'm surprised they haven't started giving him nicknames like, Judge Pumps-A-Lot or something.

I'm sure he's glad he can afford a good attorney instead of a ~~pubic~~ public defender! I'll bet it's not a great feeling to know that your career as a judge will be known for playing with yourself on the bench. Although like I said he might get all kinds of endorsement deals outta this one!

"Hey don't knock masterbation its sex with someone I love" - Woody Allen from Annie Hall

Mmmmm.....Chicken!

2006-01-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. God. I came upon this picture today. Those bat shit crazy PETA people are at it again!
How much would they have to pay you to walk around in a tampon costume? You know this lady is doing it for free.
Jeez, I'm all for not being cruel to animals but damn they take it just a bit too far. I'm about sick of seeing Pam Anderson's silicone injected ass running around acting like she's "Chicken Savior of the Fucking Universe!" Demanding that Kentucky remove a Col. Sanders bust from their capitol. Her exact quote was, "The bust of Colonel Sanders stands as a monument to cruelty and has no place in the Kentucky state capitol."

Who the fuck is she to say what Kentucky or any other state can or cannot have in their capitol building? Just because you're some half-assed celebrity doesn't give you the right to throw your ginormus tits around. Everyone has a right to their beliefs, but your rights stop at the tip of my nose. Don't force your ideas or values on me. You want to eat fuckin' Tofu burgers and shit, go right ahead! But that doesn't mean I have to forgo my way of life just to please you nekkid bastards!

To me PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals! I love vegatables too, but I doubt that I'll ever stop eating meat. I understand that animals are often times mistreated for our culinary enjoyment, and I'm truly sorry for that. But will that stop me from enjoying a tasty grilled steak or chicken breast? Not freakin' likely!

Save a plant! Eat more meat!

You Might Be An Okie If......

2006-01-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have nothing really interesting to post today. I know, I know! You're disappointed so I leave you with this:

You might be an Okie if...

1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Okemah, and Chickasha.

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado-warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. (Yep, that's me!)

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat’ to “A/C’ in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags. They have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes.

11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as “The City”.

12. It doesn’t bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions. (mmm...with Bar-B-Que sauce)

14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean. (All summer long!)

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan his or her wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

22. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4×4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually get these jokes and are “fixin” to send them to your friends. (I actually say "fixin")

27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this
conversation:

“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

(I call it pop, but I know a lot of people who call any kind of pop Coke!)

Ok, that's it. Now let the bitching, moaning and whining commence! ;)

Now I Remember Why I Only Had Two!

2006-01-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

I went to my cousin's sons 3rd birthday party today. Woowee fun! Now don't get me wrong I love kids. But when you get about 10 or twelve of them in the same house, all hell breaks loose. You've got snotty noses, drool, shitty diapers, crying, screaming! Alright you get the picture.

My cousin is only eight months older than I am. We've always been more like sisters than cousins, we used to do everything together. But I started having my kids way earlier than she did, my oldest is 13, her oldest is 3. My youngest is 10, her youngest is 8 months. So now I get to sit back and laugh my ass off because she used to do that to me back in her kid free days.

Now she's the one that only gets maybe 4 hours of sleep at night, and I'm sawing logs like a lumberjack for 8. I do believe that I made the right decision having my kids young, because I can't imagine having an infant at 32! Not that 32 is old, but at 18 you sure can handle only 4 hours of sleep better. You've had lots of practice, with those all night parties you had been going to before you got pregnant.

So now when she's bitching about snot, drool, shitty diapers, crying and screaming! I just sit back and say Bwuhahahahaha!

Fugly Friday

2006-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, here how it works! All week I'll scour the net looking for the fugliest fashion, faces etc. Then on Friday I'll post that picture along with my take on said photo. Then it's your job to post your opinion in the comments section.

Here we go!
Whoaaa Shit! Now this is just nasty. I'm all for a nice toned body and all that, but DAMN! Why the hell would any woman want to look like this and would any man want her? Jeez look at her, this doesn't even look real. Maybe it isn't, it could be photoshopped.

Still there are some women out there that actually look like this. I'm sorry but women were not made to look like the fuckin' Incredible Hulk!
She's got more ass on her than a miners wagon.

Hey Get Your Freakin' Finger Outta My Chili.......

2006-01-20T00:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted about that pot of chili I made, then I remembered the Wendy's chili incident. Well here is a picture of the purportrator of that heinous crime!

Now I don't know about you, but I think I could come up with a better way to get some money than putting a nasty ass, chewed up, mutilated fucking finger in some Wendy's chili. I'd just like to know how in the hell she even thought up this stunt. Was she just sitting around one day watching Jerry Springer and a Wendy's commercial came on, so she says to herself "Hey what if I found a nasty ass, chewed up, mutilated fucking finger and put it in some Wendy's chili! "Woooweee I could score hella cash with this one!" I mean really how in the fuck could you come up with this?

So she supposedly got the finger from a co-worker that had cut his finger off on the job, he gave her the finger because he owed her $50. Ok so my question is this, did she already plan to put a finger in the chili and was just waiting for a nasty ass, chewed up, mutilated fucking finger to come her way or is she a sick motherfucker and took the finger without the plan? Alright, I know either way she is one fucked up individual! If she did have the plan and didn't get the finger soon, was she going to start hanging out in morgues or grave digging to get that nasty ass finger?

All I have to say now is.....mmmmm chili!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2006-01-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

My aunt owns quite a bit of rental properties, and we recently bought one of the houses from her. Needless to say now we are in the same neighborhood as all of her renters. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that my daughters always seem to make friends with their kids. Now I always have so and so's parent calling me asking questions about my aunt.

For instance, she goes on mini-vacations about every two or three months. If you met some of these people you'd know why she has to take so many damn vacations. So anyway, they're always calling and whining to me about how she won't answer her cell phone and their dishwasher is broke and blah blah fuckin' blah! So I'm sitting there thinking what the hell do you want me to do about it. Oh okay I'll be right over with my 44 mag to fix that right up for ya! Yeah so I can shoot a fuckin' hole in it for ya. There'll be no more trouble outta that son of a bitch!

So there is one lady in particular that really chaps my ass! She's one of those that I think has that Munchausen by proxy syndrome and is a hypocondriac. Plus she is a compulsive liar. Alright I think I've covered it all. No wait, she and her son are "allergic" to everything. They always have mold somewhere in their house and that is why she and her son are always sick.
WTFE, lady! Her daughter is a friend of my 13 yr old daughter. So I constantly have to hear about this shit from either her or her daughter.

One day I was out on the front porch, enjoying a fine ass Marlboro. (I know smokings bad mmmkay) When she comes up and says "Oh I didn't know you smoked." And procedes to give me that disappointed parent look. Screw you lady! How's about a big mugful of shut the fuck up! Damn I'm on the fucking front porch in the damn cold. So my kids don't have to breath this shit. I just gave her the evil eye, took a big drag and sighed with pleasure. I think she got the hint!

Damn I'm really long winded tonight. Enough of my bitchin' till tomorrow!

Trying On A New Look!

2006-01-16T16:38:00.000-08:00

Okay I've been fiddlin' with my page, as if you couldn't tell. I've made some minor little changes, but I'm not satisfied with that nosireee! Fnqueen wants it all, the whole damn shabang. You'd think after living with the computer guru(aka my hubby) for thirteen years, that damn the girl should know how to create a simple fuckin' table in html. Ok, I can make the stinking table but trying to figure out where in the code it goes so I don't fuck up my page is driving me pyscho.

I want to do this on my own without "The Guru's " help. Because you know how smug their asses get when they know something you don't! I love him to death, but that smuggy look makes me want to slap the shit outta him.

So eventually I'll figure it out, then I'll have myself a brand new look. Until then y'all are stuck with this "ugly as homemade sin" blog page!

fnqueen out!

Smokin'...

2006-01-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

I know your thinking about something else when I say smokin' (yeah Dawn I'm talking to you)!
But sorry to disappoint I'm talking about the smokin' pot of chili I made tonight. Mmmmmm....good! Good ole downhome spicy ass chili. The kind that'll take rusted lug nuts off of old pickup trucks, and make ya take a fan to the bathroom with ya in the morning! Yeah baby, that's the shit!

Enough about my chili. I just really didn't have anything interesting to tell y'all about! Just had a lazy Sunday sittin' around on my ass. Maybe I'll have some exciting shit to tell you about tomorrow.

All I Did Was Let The Dog Out To Shit...........

2006-01-14T13:02:00.000-08:00

Hello my pretties! The fnqueen is having one of those days. First off let me tell you all about my morning. Picture this it's a beautiful Saturday morning not to cold, a light breeze is blowing across good ole Oklahoma. Not the raging fuckin' winds from the bowels of hell that are burning the Sooner state to a damn crisp!

So anyway I let my German Shepherd out to take his morning shit. He's a good boy, stays in his yard and usually just lays on the porch to sunbathe. No big deal right? Wrong, along comes your 'friendly' neighborhood animal control lady! I had just gotten out of the shower, when I hear him doing his I'm about to eat your fuckin' ass bark. So here I am buck ass naked and the dog is about to rip someone's head off. So I'm thinking SHIT....why does something always have to happen when I'm fuckin' naked! My 10 yr old daughter calls the dog back in the house as I'm frantically looking for something to put on. But before I could even get my clothes on the lady (I use the term for lack of a better description) is on the porch.

She has that person of authority attitude going on. I just kinda hang back and listen, because well.....I'm still freakin' naked damn it! So here she procedes to tell my daughter in a not so friendly tone that the dog has to be on a leash at all times. Ok I'm starting to get a little pissed at this point. So I throw on a robe, that I finally found!

I get to the door and the Bride of Godzilla proceeds to try and lecture me about the leash thing.
Ok, yes if my dog were out of his yard and running down the damn street I could understand the need for her to come and start bitchin' or write me a ticket. But not when he is on his own porch minding his own damn business.

I can tell she's on that POA power trip. So I asked her what she had to be so cocky about. "Isn't animal control only one step up from a sanitation worker?" Needless to say I don't think this sat too well with the Mrs. Godzilla. The spit was flying from her lips as she gave me the long winded version of the leash law in our county. Blah Blah Blah! All I could think about was wanting to bitchslap her backwards off the porch onto her fat ass! Finally she turns to leave and as she' s coming off the steps she trips and almost fell flat on her face. I just bust out laughing!

She took off at a fast clip, got into her truck and almost did a burnout trying to get away from my house! So that's how my Saturday has been so far. Now I'm ready for a cold beer and a few other relaxation techniques. Hope your Saturday started better than mine!

Till next time......Party on bitches!

I Fell Off The Face Of The Earth.....

2006-01-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Okay in case anyone cares the FnQueen finally made it back to the land of the living! I know y'all think I freakin' died or something. No, just alot of bullshit and hassels that kept me from the internet for about 3 fuckin' months. I was seriously starting to have withdrawls and shit.

But now I'm back and ready to talk about my crazy ass life. Just in case anyone gives a shit!
Hope I can draw you catty bitches(I use this as a term of affection) back to listen to my whining, bitching, moaning ass.

So now on with the show!!

On The Move...

2005-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Whew.....the FnQueen has been busy this week! We are buying a new place, so I've been packing and shit. The weather here has been great 87 degrees yesterday! This is not normal for OK. The only bad thing is the wind has been blowing like a 'crack ho' needing a fix! Of course the south wind is what brings the warmth, so I'm not bitching too much.

While I'm moving my posts may become sparse, but bear with me please! I promise that I will be back. Sorry for this short post, got to get back to bustin' my ass packing!

Just Blow It Off

2005-11-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

Good morning my pretties!

Today I'd like to bitch about pervs. Because there seem to be alot in my neck of the woods. Now I know alot of uneducated dumbasses believe that Oklahoma still has a bunch of cowboys and indians riding around on horses. Case in point, I used to work for Avis car rental and people who called in would ask where I was. When I said OK all manner of stupid ass questions would pop up like, "Do the indians still live in teepees"? Or "Do you guys have cars and electricity"?

Ok, first off dumbfuck without electricity would I have a fucking computer to make your car reservation? duh!! Enough about stupid asses without common sense, back to the perv thing.
Check this out! If I caught this fucking sicko climbing into one of my daughters' bedroom windows I guarantee the motherfucker would never defile another child. See cause I would do more than superglue his cock to his belly!

I don't believe that these animals have a right to live! Drug dealers and users get more time in prison than these sick bastards. WTF? I just don't understand the fucking legal system. If caught in the act why isn't it ok to just drop these nasty fucks where they stand! I believe it would be a big deterrent if they knew they might get their cock blown off.

"Argggg....you've shot off me cock, you bloody bitch"!

Hell Hath No Fury....

2005-11-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile, but it has not been a very exciting week for the FnQueen!

Then again when I read the story about the man who is suing his ex-girlfriend for gluing his cock to his belly! To me this is fucking hilarious, but then again I guess I'm a little sadistic. Oh, she also superglued his ass cheeks together. I guess his ass was officially closed for business! lol

This should be made into a fucking MasterCard commercial:

Superglue for gluing ex-boyfriends cock to his belly and ass cheeks together-$5.00
Red nail polish to write "fucking dickhead" on his back-$6.00
Making the asshole walk down the street like that to call for help-Priceless

Ahhhh....I am so fucking mean!

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

Wellllll.....Martha Stewart is a big fat bitch! She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! Sorry about stealing your song Cartman. I just had to link to this story.

Now I know some women just lurve Martha, but I for one find her to be like Attila the Hun. This is a quote straight from the horses mouth; "I have learned that I really cannot be destroyed." WTF?
Who the hell does she think she is! Do you think this vapid hag, really does all that Susie Fucking Homemaker shit? Who does she do all this shit for anyway?

Her daughter is grown up and she doesn't have a husband. Hell if I were footloose, fancy free and had all the money this skank has, I damn sure wouldn't be sitting at home knitting cock warmers or whatever the fuck she makes. Now don't get me wrong If Martha actually did all this shit for herself, not all of her ass kissing assistants. Then she might just get some respect from me!

But being that I am a wife and a mother. I know how hard we have to work. The cooking, the cleaning and piles of laundry that we do everyday. But she just sits around on her goody goody ass, pretending to do all of these menial chores that "real women" do everyday!

That's enough of my Martha bashing for today. Whew....do I feel better!

WalMart Zombies

2005-10-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I had to take a trip to the hell hole last night, known to the rest of the world as WalMart. Can I get a show of hands of how many other poor wretches hate this fucking place! WalMart is like an outpost for hell bound zombies, who have a little last minute feminine hygiene shopping to do.

I call them zombies because of the way they seem to just stand in one spot for 30 minutes looking at the feminine care products. Damn can't WalMart afford to hire an fucking advisor or something to help these dumbasses. I mean come on how long do you have to study pads and tampons? Hmmm.....let's see do I need the extra super diaper size pads or the Hoover dam tampons?

Oh, and some of them are real bitches. Last night I went there to buy some feminine care products for myself, and damn near lost an arm because of it. One of the zombies I've been rambling about was blocking the shelf I wanted to get to. So here I am standing off to the side waiting patiently for her to finish reading every fucking package like it's the Sunday paper. Finally I say "excuse me", and reached around her to get what I wanted. Get this!! The zombie bitch growled at me. So I'm like thinking of Night Of The Living Dead and shit! You know "braaains". Needless to say I got the hell away from that crazy bitch real quick.

I hate fucking WalFart!!!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

2005-10-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my daughter's school did health screenings. My 10 year old, who is tiny got on the scales and the nurse said she weighed 82 pounds. Well some scrawny, skanky little girls behind her said "Dang, your fat"! So my darling lil' spitfire turns around and says "I may be fat but your ugly 'buttface', and ugly is forever!

Now I know there will be some people who think this is not 'politically correct'! We should teach our children to cower down and ignore such remarks. yada yada yada. To this I say bullshit, I gave my daughter a high five and told her she kicks butt!

See I used to be the type to cower down and let people walk all over me like the proverbial doormat! But then I woke up and discovered the 'rawrrrrr' inside me. And guess what I like the new me a whole lot better.

Sit Right Down And You'll Hear A Tale

2005-10-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my hubby and I went to our friend's shop to put new brakes on my piece o' shit Focus. So this brake job only takes em' like 10 minutes. Then it is my offical duty as bar bitch of the place to go get more beer. Yes, they call me bar bitch and I like the title! It makes me feel all hot and sexy.

So anyway I get to the store up the street, and the place is packed. I get the beer out of the cooler and get in the mile long fucking line. Meanwhile this nasty, greasy, shitty smellin' dude comes up behind me. First let me say I have like this personal space issue. I don't like anyone besides my family getting to close to me. Anyway this nasty motherfucker is all up on me like breathing down my neck and shit.

I'm about to turn around and tell him to get the fuck off me, yes I have done this to people before. As I'm getting ready to let him have it his hand "accidentally" touches my ass! Ok folks that fucking does it. So I" nonchalantly" swing the 30 pack of beer I'm holding backwards and smack him right in the balls with it.

I turned around and he's standing there in the classic ball bashed pose. Red faced, huffing and puffing with tears in his eyes. Needless to say he backed off me with a quickness.

Well that's how my Sunday went. Just another exciting day in the life of the FnQueen!

First Day On The Blog

2005-10-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

I got it in my dumbass head that I wanted to do a blog. First things first, what the hell do I write about. Hmmm....let's see what does a housewife with two kids and a nerdy husband have to say to the world. Oh, Oh I got it! Hows about your life with said two kids and a nerdy husband. Well that was easy, even though it sounds pretty fucking lame. Oh well.

I decided to do a blog after reading the oh so wonderful Dawn aka Webmiztris over at Tiny Voices In My Head. I love ya Dawn. As your so fond of saying, "You RAWK"! I've been lurking around her blog for a few days gobbling up every post like some kind of fucking Thanksgiving turkey. I know I know.....STALKER! It's not sexual or anything I just think she kicks ass. I would love to party with her!

So anyway as soon as I figure all this out, she will be the first blog on my blogroll!

I'll post more of my bullshit soon!!!